Lighter Fare

I feel like the Lord is letting me move on from Jefferson City now. Not just because of my posts, but for a lot of reasons that have been revealed. I felt a new background was due, one that looks up. It's a good reminder to keep my eyes on Him in this new season. I want Him to have all the glory and honor for what lies ahead. I know He will do infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.

Plus, the sky is blue...and blue just happens to be the color used by my favorite team in MLB. Go Royals!

Stones 48 through 52

These five stones are big for me.

First, like I said before, I was pregnant with our second girl, Mirah Grace. I had her, and Praise the Lord I did not have the depression or the post-partum blues. Things were looking pretty great in a lot of ways. Sean and I felt so blessed. Lily loved her little baby sister. We were looking for a house. Things just seemed lighter and freer. And Mirah, well, she was an amazing baby.

This is Mirah at about 6 mo. ALL smiles.

This little girl was a small testimony that I COULD walk through motherhood successfully and without feeling totally lost. God really had dished out a ton of grace for me and that's why we named her Mirah Grace. We had received so much. Sean's new job was great and he was back to feeling like himself again, and we were looking for a house. Our first home. We finally found this one and decided it was a perfect fit.

This is how it looked when we bought it in 2009

Like I said, I was feeling pretty okay overall. I mean, there were still issues I was dealing with. I had gone back on medication after having Mirah. I was taking something for anxiety because Sean had been gone for three months at a military school in Arkansas. I was left alone with two kids and a house to pack and move. I thought I for sure needed help with anxiety. Dr. Breidenstein was leery to give me the meds I sought. He had seen me get off of them and successfully handle an entire pregnancy without them. He heard my cry for help and handed me what I thought I needed. However, after seeing him a few times he put his foot down. He really didn't think I needed them anymore. Plus, I was nursing. I didn't want that kind of chemical in Mirah's body anyway, right? I mean, it was "safe" for nursing, but I really wanted to be free of them. The side effects were frustrating anyway. Could I live without them? They had become a safe place for me, and that's exactly when the Lord intervened. And Sam. Well, the Lord through Sam, I guess you could say. Funny thing is, I don't think he ever thought he was doing an intervention. It was only one statement, but it rocked me to the core. And it was from someone I respected. Someone I knew loved me and had seen me at my worst growing up. Someone who had tasted freedom and knew it was attainable in THIS life.

Let me give a little back story for this guy.

Sam, July 4th weekend, 2010

So, a little back story on why this guy is so special to me...besides the fact that he's my bro. When I was 5 I was in the middle of some nasty abuse experiences. The man that I fell victim to knew that my Mom was sick at the time. He basically told me that if I told her what was happening then it would kill her. It shut me up quick. See, that was a possibility off and on - that she might not make it. I was NOT going to be the one to make her die. Eventually the Lord, with help from doctors, healed her, but that was further down the road and at 5 I wasn't able to judge the situation properly. So, God intervened. As I was playing in my little walk-in closet one day I remember hearing a man's voice say, "You will have a brother" clear as day. I remember going into my room and into the hallway, asking my Mom if Dad was home. No he wasn't. But the voice was real, I knew it was. A peace settled over me. I was going to have a brother? I knew it was true. I had accepted Jesus into my heart at church and this was the same feeling I got when He came into my heart. I knew it was real, and I knew this statement was real. And I was a smart cookie. If I was going to have a brother, then that meant that my Mom was going to be okay. If my Mom was going to be okay, then I could just stop the abuse that was happening. I could say no. A few months later - probably 6 or so, my Mom had surgery that really helped her. She later became pregnant with my brother and sat me down to tell me. You can ask her, this is what I said, "I know and it's a boy." So, as you can see, Samuel was my ticket out of a lot of pain. He symbolized hope for me and safety. He was very wanted, by all of us.

So, when Sam looked at me and said, "Carlye, you don't have to live this way anymore." I was listening. God had spoken through Sam many times - whether Sam knew it or not. I was going to give what he said a fighting chance.

But when he said to me, "Read this book", I was kind of taken aback. They Shall Expel Demons? Really? Did he think I was that bad? I had actually tried to read the book about a year before and I could just never get past the first few pages. Hmm..wonder why? This time I gave it a chance to speak to me. I gave God a chance to speak through the pages that Derek Prince wrote.

I think what held me back during the reading of the book was fear. If fear can tighten it's grip around you, then you have a super hard time getting to the parts of the book that call for you to speak at demons and tell them to flee. Really hard. Fear was such a huge part of my life. I couldn't remember a day without it. To live without it? That seemed almost impossible. But I was DONE with the way I was living. I remember telling someone that I was tired of talking about my issues and I was ready to talk to them. Well, it took a lot of praying. God started laying things on my heart to pray about, things hidden in the dark recesses of my spirit and mind. Ugly things. But Praise His Glorious Name that He shed His light on me!!! Dark is always afraid of light and when I finally was able to push fear away and draw a line in the sand, I was able to look at stuff "in the eye" and command it to leave in Jesus' Name. The Name that is above every other Name. The Name to which every knee shall bow and tongue confess that HE is LORD! Oh the power that surged through me during those times. I had this feeling like Jesus had just finally found me in an old abandoned room, tied up and gagged. He had been searching for me for so long and He finally found me. He was so excited. The enemy was being defeated and He was excitedly tearing off my chains and releasing me as I continued to call out his Name and speak against the powers of darkness. He could have just "poof" done it for me years ago, but then I would never have had this amazing experience WITH Him. Together, side by side, arm in arm, back to back, doing battle. Now, it's a daily experience. Daily I can tell what might try to set itself up against what Jesus has done in me. I bear His mark now. I am in HIS army. I am unafraid to battle against whatever may come...because of what's in me? NO WAY. Because of who He is IN me.

A lot happened during this time. I had some dreams that helped urge me on into further battle with a principality. Lily actually had some dreams that gave me insight into what was attacking us as a family. Sean and I prayed a lot. Sometimes together, sometimes alone, but always unified in the belief that God is mighty to save. We did some of the hardest praying in our lives. Some of it seeming very ugly and scary, but it was one of the most freeing times of our lives. We really started to understand what it meant in the Bible when it talked about being "pulled up out of the mire." It's a dirty process, but well worth the sweat and tears.

Me, my little dreamer and my free spirit

My sweet husband and prayer partner

This brings us almost up to present day. I will add more stones over the next few days if I remember something I left out. As we near the day we move, I am daily reminded what a wilderness experience this has been for us. I will leave you with this passage that Tom Blake spoke over me one of the first times I ever visited Kingdom Living. I never thought what he was saying would be possible...but God did.

Isaiah 12

Thanksgiving Expressed

¹ Then you will say on that day, “I will give thanks to You, O LORD; For although You were angry with me, Your anger is turned away, And You comfort me. ² “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.” ³ Therefore you will joyously draw water From the springs of salvation. ⁴ And in that day you will say, “Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name. Make known His deeds among the peoples; ^[a]Make them remember that His name is exalted.” ⁵ Praise the LORD in song, for He has done ^[b]excellent things; Let this be known throughout the earth. ⁶ Cry aloud and shout for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, For great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.

Stones 27 through 47

When we left off, I was checking out of the hospital. However, there are a few things I forgot to mention that you might find interesting (I know I do).

First, the night I checked into the hospital I sat down and watched a movie in the "rec room". From start to finish I watched "Back to the Future". Don't know why, but it was funny to me. Second, when I had my last counseling session there they called Sean and brought him in for it. I didn't know they were going to do that. Gulp! Dr. Clemens told him that I was, "Very, very, very, very depressed." The odd thing about that was the whole time I was thinking, "I am? No, I'm not." Well, the Lord was using my light-bulb time there to show me that, with more introspection I would get to the root of the problem. Yes, there was some depression, but it grew out of a heart that was clouded over with secrets and pain. Once I decided to "go there", I would uproot that weed of depression. But that, my friends took much time.

I mentioned that I started seeing a Christian counselor. Her name is Dr. Susan Murray. She was one of the first people to whom I told everything. She has a warmth and a peace from God that just transcends many of my fears. She knows the Word inside and out. She never stops quoting it. She's the one that got me started liking the NASB for its word for word translation. She loved God's Word so much. Not only did she lead me, very gently, down some scary paths to healing, but she instilled in me a belief that His Word is living and active. I am eternally grateful for that. If anyone is ever in the Columbia, Missouri area and needs to find someone to talk to, please, look her up. Morningstar Counseling is the name of her group.

The other person I was set up with was Dr. Tom Breidenstein. This guy is so cool. I was very leery of psychiatrists, but after meeting him and talking with him and seeing his love for the Lord and for mental health, I was a fan. It's amazing too, that when you find someone that believes in God, believes in you and believes that God has amazing plans for you, the whole idea of managing mental health becomes easier. See, he DID medicate me, but only for a while. He made sure that as I was making progress in counseling, he was managing my need for these meds. He even told me one day, "You aren't going to need these forever. God is going to do an amazing work in you. Just watch." What!? Wasn't that totally opposite from what a psychiatrist was supposed to do? Aren't I supposed to bounce around from pill to pill and be completely dependent upon what the Dr. tells me? Wow. And he was right. Eventually, I was able to get off my meds altogether. He even said, and it makes me laugh even now, "Well, if you ever feel stressed then you know that God is trying to tell you something...or the enemy is trying to lie to you, and if you can't figure it out right away, well, take some St. John's Wort and start praying, but don't call me. You don't need me." I love that guy. Wonderful man of God.

But before I was totally off of my medication I had a very important experience to share. The psychologist I saw, Susan, is head of a group that meets about 4 times a year in order to help those who are hurting. They share the gospel, but mostly they help people who already know the Lord to get a deeper and more profound relationship with Him. To sum it up, they make that "big thumb in the sky" become the loving Father and Creator that He truly is. And, they show you that you aren't a mistake. That was huge for me. This group is called Grace Encounter. I initially didn't want to go. A friend took me to one of the graduation ceremonies and I was so nauseated by the whole experience (literally, I went to the bathroom and vomited) that I was sure I wasn't ever going. These people freaked me out. They were dancing around and laughing and playing games. They were dancing to the hokey pokey and the chicken dance and being all silly and...didn't they know they looked ridiculous?? It also sparked something in me that I just couldn't articulate back then. I wanted to play. I LONGED to play. I never felt safe enough to play like that. I was always scared or embarrassed or thought I'd look silly. I had no idea how to get from point ME to point FREE. How on Earth would I ever be that free?

Well, I signed up. I drank the kool-aid I guess you could say. HA! And let me tell you, it was the hardest, tearful, most wonderful, love-filled, Jesus-centered experience that I had ever had up to that point. I look back and am so grateful for that experience. To the 18 people in my group, my roommate, my small group, my leaders, thank you. I came alive finally, and I felt like I had knocked a wall down. I was never the same after that. I could PLAY! It was at that place that I first took the DISC test and found out that I am an I/C. Play, it turned out, was my middle name!! Now, I already knew about the C part of me - that was clear all through school - and I knew that my extroversion was a big part of me, but not THIS big. Wow. I clearly broke through a demonic stronghold during that time.

My contract from there reads like this, "By the grace of God, I am a strong, passionate and soft woman of God, whose beautiful ship is steered by God Himself." The other part says that I am "bold, secure and wanted". Amen. I believe it.

After going through this, I started going to an abuse support group. The ladies were so sweet. They were all around my age and loved the Lord deeply. This group lasted for a few years. We read through this book a few times and I have to say, it's one of the best of its kind. Highly recommend it, but it's not for the fainthearted. I threw mine across the room a few times before getting through it.

This book challenged me so much. This guy himself has a testimony of abuse and has so victoriously lived through it, that it was hard to discredit him. I tried. ;) My counselor was the same way. She had lived through abuse for over 15 years. She actually was able to lead her father to the Lord on his deathbed. Talk about redemption! I still had a LOT to learn. I had done a lot of leg work in order to really seek out my restoration and healing. I had really fought hard for my heart during those seminars. I had really sought His face since that horrible day in my room with all those pills. Now, it was His turn. He saw me there, in my pain, and just like it says in Psalm 18,

¹⁶ He sent from on high, He took me;

He drew me out of many waters. ¹⁷ He delivered me from my strong enemy, And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the LORD was my stay. ¹⁹ He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

It was after the pills, the seminar, the group therapy, the counseling sessions, Sean losing his job, me going back to work, Sean finally getting another job 8 months later, getting pregnant with our second child, and moving into this new house that something very big happened.

I was still in pain.

What the HECK!? Didn't I just do all this stuff to get better? I mean, I was in no way suicidal or depressed, but I was still fighting to live a normal life each day. I was fighting nightmares. I was still fighting anger. I was fighting self worth. So, what was it going to take?

It took a brother.

Sam looked at me one day while at our folk's house and said, "Carlye, you don't have to live like this anymore."

I looked at him through my tears and asked him to show me how that was possible.

Oh man, I had no idea what I was going to be getting into next...