Stones 13 through 21

Okay, so when we left off last time I was in a foggy place. I didn't know this about myself back then, but I was hungry for interaction with people. I didn't have any neighbors at our place. We had folks that lived in two of the other three apartments but they were either busy all day or not there most of the time. Jefferson City houses a lot of folks that work only when the state government is in session, so a lot of the time apartments, although being paid for, are not occupied for most of the year. And on my block, a lot of the old beautiful houses had been turned into offices for attorneys and salons and funeral homes. Directly across the street from me was this lovely image (it was empty, thank the Lord), and it really summarized how I felt every day looking out the window of my bedroom. I was in a prison in my head:

Lily was now 4 months old. It was December and the holidays were hard for me - and for all of my family watching me. I was on and off my medication and was either angry or in tears most of the time. I loved the Lord so much. I was dedicated to being part of His family and I wanted freedom. SO much. I dearly loved my family and I know they knew it...it was just hard to see at times. We needed a change. We didn't really know why, but we stumbled upon a nice little duplex in a part of Jefferson City that was truly homey. I knew it was going to help me to get out of the dead part of town. So, in January of 2006 we moved here:

Can I just quickly say what a cute little bundle of love that baby girl is!?

So moving to Boonville Rd. wasn't a "fix", but it sure felt like coming out of the dark ages. I had neighbors! We truly enjoyed this place, and ended up living here for 3 and a half years. This house saw its fair share of troubles but it also had it's own fair share of beauty, and it was a big stepping stone to getting me out of my rut. On the left, in the white house there was Dallas and his huge dogs. Dallas was super nice, but very reclusive. Under us (we had the top half of the house) was Suzy. She was a struggling new divorcee and we talked and visited a LOT. She and I didn't always see eye to eye, and I'm sure she put up with a lot of noise from upstairs, but she was sweet and she loved us. I miss her sometimes. On the right were Paul and Janet. They go to the church we are attending now and are awesome Godly folk. Sean and I adore them. They were like a lifeline for us many times. Across the street was a great family with 5 girls who just loved Lily and I to pieces. She was a Godly woman that made me want to be a better person. I wish I had pictures of these people - makes me sad that I don't - but I still want to put a stone up for each one. They were each my neighbors, and little did I know that God would soon be showing me just how important people are to my specific role in Kingdom building. I LOVE people. This was the doorway to that revelation.

And then there was the sidewalk. I had a strong relationship with that one. She and I spent many hours together. Lily LOVED going for walks and we did almost every day, even in the rain sometimes. We loved the beautiful big homes on our street, the lovely neighbors and most of all the view at the end of our walk. This is the Missouri River:

This place didn't fix me nor did it slow down my spiral downwards, but in some small way it gave us a normalness that we needed. It gave Lily and I sunshine and friends and we were thankful for them. We saw a lot of "stuff" in this house. I will write about all that soon. But for now we will stay here as my monument begins to take shape, because right around the corner are a bunch of wonderful, hard things that need slow and special attention in my heart.

Thanks for visiting my monument today!

Stones 7 through 12

Ahhh. What a nice peaceful place we've been in. Lily's birth was great. She was very vocal (and everyone snickered whenever I was surprised...hmmm...wonder why?) and very serious when she was teeny. She smiled along with the other babies as she grew, but she was, since birth, one of those "thinkers". I liked that about her very much, still do, but at other times (like when her Mommy wasn't doing so well) it was unnerving. It was like she was really looking at me. Hang out with Lily for a little while and you'll know what I mean. The girl can sum you up pretty fast.

So, sadly, after Lily was born and we had that nice week (or was it 2?) of just hanging out and barely getting out of our jammies, Hurricane Katrina hit the coast of Louisiana. Sean thankfully didn't have to leave the state, but at that time he worked in the Emergency Operations Center at the National Guard Headquarters here in MO. and he was gone...a LOT. In fact, he worked such long hours that for a month he came home only to sleep. 12 and 15 hour days was our new normal. With hardly a friend and church without folks my age, I was beginning to lose it.

That wasn't the only part though. Lily wasn't eating enough. Looking back I think my own postpartum depression, Sean being gone, and watching clips and seeing pictures of the effects of the hurricane contributed GREATLY to my lack of food production for her. I sat, staring at the walls, crying and crying. She cried because she was hungry and sleepy and because I was crying too. It was a very hard time. My Mom came a few times just to try to encourage her to sleep (and me too) at night. We took turns being up with her. Having my Mom there was so helpful. Sean was so busy and wanted desperately to help, but if he didn't sleep at night, then the soldiers helping on the coast would have suffered too. It was a visit from my Dad that began to change a few things for me. He saw her crying, he saw me crying and he urged me to listen to the doctors and to my husband. WHAT?! Feed her formula? Ugh. Anything but that. I fought it, but I was fighting too many of my own demons of depression, anxiety, abandonment, selfishness, abuse...I finally saw the reality of the situation: feed her and then we can both sleep. So, I did it. I cried as I fed her her first bottle. I was a failure, I knew for sure. I had read so many books! I had the perfect delivery! I was going to puree everything for her from organic ingredients! How did this happen? Oh, did I mention my issue with control? ;)

This peanut needed a doughnut.

So, after a full night's sleep (yeah, it was an immediate change) I realized that I was not in control of all the little details of life. I also realized that I needed help. I wish I would have had more resources back then, but I did what I could. I was put on different medications, trying to find one with the right fit for me. No one could really put their finger on what was going on with me - doctors had opinions, friends and family had theirs, and then there was my own. I felt so stuck. I LOVED my baby girl more than life itself! But I wasn't the mom I wanted to be. I was detached and medicated and...well...stuck. I have fought a big fight over the guilt I have felt from this two and a half year period of her life. I don't have to live with it anymore and I know I'm forgiven and that she is an amazing child because of the grace of God. And since then, many many wonderful things have happened that have changed and brought light to these years of our life together. I will always look at her as the child that brought His Hand into my life. If she had never come into this world, I would have kept living my life for me, in pain and in denial. Forgive me if I sound self loathing. I don't mean to, but I guess writing about it makes it feel so fresh.

I will end now.

I need to go hug my sweet girl.

Stones 3 through 6

As I was saying...

Lilian was on her way! Yay! She gave me the most wonderful pregnancy. Food tasted SO good - all my senses were heightened. Sean and I were both VERY excited. He knew immediately it was going to be a girl, but in my heart I was having trouble with this idea. Logically, I knew that all I wanted was for my baby to have 10 fingers and 10 toes and be healthy - who cared about gender necessarily? I really didn't...but I did. Girls, to me, symbolized something in myself that I was not yet ready to deal with. Vulnerability. But, I was no less excited as the date drew closer and we found out for sure she was a "she" and not a "he". I just pushed my fears out of my mind and bought little girl things by the dozens.

Here I am, a month and a half away from her due date. One word: Swollen!

And then...

She came...

On August 22, 2005 at 1:05am Lilian Faith Cochran was born. She was 7lbs 10oz and 21in. long. I went into labor at around 6:30pm, got to St. Mary's Hospital at 9:30pm, started heavy labor at 10:30pm and she was born, without the help of any meds, at 5 after 1am. It was glorious. It went perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better little butter bean! Sean was laughing SO much when he saw her. It was just the two of us (no one could make it till later that morning) and we just oohed and ahhed over her for the rest of the night. She was a little coconut. We kept my old nickname and used it for her since she and I shared the dark hair and olive complexion: Poepus. Our little poepus. You'll have to ask my folks how that was made up, but it just fit me...and her.

Staring in wonder at each other.

My little day sleeper/night owl!

SO CUTE!

I deeply don't want to turn this precious time in our lives into something bittersweet, but I have to keep going... But instead of jumping right into my past pain and confusion, I will stay here a moment and relish in the fact that my baby girl was born... and it was a beautiful day.

Stay tuned...

I'm feeling it. I always do.

There's something about being me that I used to not appreciate at all. I still struggle to see my Creator's plan in me sometimes, but at least I know I was made how I was made for a reason. A purpose. There is a plan for me and for the heart that I have on my sleeve. It's true. For those of you who know me well, this is no shocker. For those of you who know me less well...give it time...you'll see. I put myself out there like an infantryman on the front lines in most cases. But instead of getting hurt all the time or cringing at my own vulnerability, I now see there is a plan. Even if I don't know it yet.

As I walk through my city right now, my heart (which is on my sleeve) is beating fast and hard. It's excited and sad and holding it's breath a little. I am looking around at my home and my family and my friends and I am seeing how much this city has meant to me - to all of our little family. I have decided to start a journey of taking pictures of the places and things and people that mean so much to me here. It's like what Joshua did with the Israelites when he had one man from each tribe get a stone to make an altar. It was to remind their children, generations later, what the Lord had done at the Jordan River. So, these photos will be my stones. I will pile them up and lay them at my Creator's feet. They will be a testament to my children and grandchildren. I will document all that has been joyful and painful for me in my 7 years here. Although rather than label things bad or good, I will just list them. Some things may seem overtly bad or overtly good, but that's really not for me (or you) to decide. They are just stones. They are parts of me and my family and no matter how ugly or beautiful they seem, they are His, and He is in charge of our future. I know that future is for good and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope.

So, feel free to journey along with me as I say goodbye to Jefferson City. It has been my wilderness experience in so many ways. You will laugh and cry, and then you will know the heart on my sleeve and why it's there just a little bit better.

Alright friends, let's start. We moved here in October of 2004 after a year and a few months of marriage. We had no idea what we were doing..

This is the view from our first apartment at 202 Lafayette.

This is Capitol Avenue and just between the trees is the Capital building.

We enjoyed walking into downtown from our place.

This was our first place. We had half of the top floor,

which included that big screened in porch.

Sean moved to Jefferson City before I did, and took a chance on a job.

We moved in together after 3 months apart to see if the job would really pan out.

I had just finished college.

Sean had a great paying job, but worked 4-midnight mostly.

We knew nobody.

We had only each other and a cat, whose picture I will not include

because she was just plain mean.

I remember both loving this place and feeling so so lonely.

There was much strain in the marriage back then, and

very little leaving and cleaving had been done before we left KC.

And our lives were about to change forever with little Lilian on the way only one month after moving here...

More to come soon...