Stones 7 through 12

Ahhh. What a nice peaceful place we've been in. Lily's birth was great. She was very vocal (and everyone snickered whenever I was surprised...hmmm...wonder why?) and very serious when she was teeny. She smiled along with the other babies as she grew, but she was, since birth, one of those "thinkers". I liked that about her very much, still do, but at other times (like when her Mommy wasn't doing so well) it was unnerving. It was like she was really looking at me. Hang out with Lily for a little while and you'll know what I mean. The girl can sum you up pretty fast.

So, sadly, after Lily was born and we had that nice week (or was it 2?) of just hanging out and barely getting out of our jammies, Hurricane Katrina hit the coast of Louisiana. Sean thankfully didn't have to leave the state, but at that time he worked in the Emergency Operations Center at the National Guard Headquarters here in MO. and he was gone...a LOT. In fact, he worked such long hours that for a month he came home only to sleep. 12 and 15 hour days was our new normal. With hardly a friend and church without folks my age, I was beginning to lose it.

That wasn't the only part though. Lily wasn't eating enough. Looking back I think my own postpartum depression, Sean being gone, and watching clips and seeing pictures of the effects of the hurricane contributed GREATLY to my lack of food production for her. I sat, staring at the walls, crying and crying. She cried because she was hungry and sleepy and because I was crying too. It was a very hard time. My Mom came a few times just to try to encourage her to sleep (and me too) at night. We took turns being up with her. Having my Mom there was so helpful. Sean was so busy and wanted desperately to help, but if he didn't sleep at night, then the soldiers helping on the coast would have suffered too. It was a visit from my Dad that began to change a few things for me. He saw her crying, he saw me crying and he urged me to listen to the doctors and to my husband. WHAT?! Feed her formula? Ugh. Anything but that. I fought it, but I was fighting too many of my own demons of depression, anxiety, abandonment, selfishness, abuse...I finally saw the reality of the situation: feed her and then we can both sleep. So, I did it. I cried as I fed her her first bottle. I was a failure, I knew for sure. I had read so many books! I had the perfect delivery! I was going to puree everything for her from organic ingredients! How did this happen? Oh, did I mention my issue with control? ;)

This peanut needed a doughnut.

So, after a full night's sleep (yeah, it was an immediate change) I realized that I was not in control of all the little details of life. I also realized that I needed help. I wish I would have had more resources back then, but I did what I could. I was put on different medications, trying to find one with the right fit for me. No one could really put their finger on what was going on with me - doctors had opinions, friends and family had theirs, and then there was my own. I felt so stuck. I LOVED my baby girl more than life itself! But I wasn't the mom I wanted to be. I was detached and medicated and...well...stuck. I have fought a big fight over the guilt I have felt from this two and a half year period of her life. I don't have to live with it anymore and I know I'm forgiven and that she is an amazing child because of the grace of God. And since then, many many wonderful things have happened that have changed and brought light to these years of our life together. I will always look at her as the child that brought His Hand into my life. If she had never come into this world, I would have kept living my life for me, in pain and in denial. Forgive me if I sound self loathing. I don't mean to, but I guess writing about it makes it feel so fresh.

I will end now.

I need to go hug my sweet girl.