Lighter Fare

I feel like the Lord is letting me move on from Jefferson City now. Not just because of my posts, but for a lot of reasons that have been revealed. I felt a new background was due, one that looks up. It's a good reminder to keep my eyes on Him in this new season. I want Him to have all the glory and honor for what lies ahead. I know He will do infinitely more than I could ever ask or imagine.

Plus, the sky is blue...and blue just happens to be the color used by my favorite team in MLB. Go Royals!

Stones 48 through 52

These five stones are big for me.

First, like I said before, I was pregnant with our second girl, Mirah Grace. I had her, and Praise the Lord I did not have the depression or the post-partum blues. Things were looking pretty great in a lot of ways. Sean and I felt so blessed. Lily loved her little baby sister. We were looking for a house. Things just seemed lighter and freer. And Mirah, well, she was an amazing baby.

This is Mirah at about 6 mo. ALL smiles.

This little girl was a small testimony that I COULD walk through motherhood successfully and without feeling totally lost. God really had dished out a ton of grace for me and that's why we named her Mirah Grace. We had received so much. Sean's new job was great and he was back to feeling like himself again, and we were looking for a house. Our first home. We finally found this one and decided it was a perfect fit.

This is how it looked when we bought it in 2009

Like I said, I was feeling pretty okay overall. I mean, there were still issues I was dealing with. I had gone back on medication after having Mirah. I was taking something for anxiety because Sean had been gone for three months at a military school in Arkansas. I was left alone with two kids and a house to pack and move. I thought I for sure needed help with anxiety. Dr. Breidenstein was leery to give me the meds I sought. He had seen me get off of them and successfully handle an entire pregnancy without them. He heard my cry for help and handed me what I thought I needed. However, after seeing him a few times he put his foot down. He really didn't think I needed them anymore. Plus, I was nursing. I didn't want that kind of chemical in Mirah's body anyway, right? I mean, it was "safe" for nursing, but I really wanted to be free of them. The side effects were frustrating anyway. Could I live without them? They had become a safe place for me, and that's exactly when the Lord intervened. And Sam. Well, the Lord through Sam, I guess you could say. Funny thing is, I don't think he ever thought he was doing an intervention. It was only one statement, but it rocked me to the core. And it was from someone I respected. Someone I knew loved me and had seen me at my worst growing up. Someone who had tasted freedom and knew it was attainable in THIS life.

Let me give a little back story for this guy.

Sam, July 4th weekend, 2010

So, a little back story on why this guy is so special to me...besides the fact that he's my bro. When I was 5 I was in the middle of some nasty abuse experiences. The man that I fell victim to knew that my Mom was sick at the time. He basically told me that if I told her what was happening then it would kill her. It shut me up quick. See, that was a possibility off and on - that she might not make it. I was NOT going to be the one to make her die. Eventually the Lord, with help from doctors, healed her, but that was further down the road and at 5 I wasn't able to judge the situation properly. So, God intervened. As I was playing in my little walk-in closet one day I remember hearing a man's voice say, "You will have a brother" clear as day. I remember going into my room and into the hallway, asking my Mom if Dad was home. No he wasn't. But the voice was real, I knew it was. A peace settled over me. I was going to have a brother? I knew it was true. I had accepted Jesus into my heart at church and this was the same feeling I got when He came into my heart. I knew it was real, and I knew this statement was real. And I was a smart cookie. If I was going to have a brother, then that meant that my Mom was going to be okay. If my Mom was going to be okay, then I could just stop the abuse that was happening. I could say no. A few months later - probably 6 or so, my Mom had surgery that really helped her. She later became pregnant with my brother and sat me down to tell me. You can ask her, this is what I said, "I know and it's a boy." So, as you can see, Samuel was my ticket out of a lot of pain. He symbolized hope for me and safety. He was very wanted, by all of us.

So, when Sam looked at me and said, "Carlye, you don't have to live this way anymore." I was listening. God had spoken through Sam many times - whether Sam knew it or not. I was going to give what he said a fighting chance.

But when he said to me, "Read this book", I was kind of taken aback. They Shall Expel Demons? Really? Did he think I was that bad? I had actually tried to read the book about a year before and I could just never get past the first few pages. Hmm..wonder why? This time I gave it a chance to speak to me. I gave God a chance to speak through the pages that Derek Prince wrote.

I think what held me back during the reading of the book was fear. If fear can tighten it's grip around you, then you have a super hard time getting to the parts of the book that call for you to speak at demons and tell them to flee. Really hard. Fear was such a huge part of my life. I couldn't remember a day without it. To live without it? That seemed almost impossible. But I was DONE with the way I was living. I remember telling someone that I was tired of talking about my issues and I was ready to talk to them. Well, it took a lot of praying. God started laying things on my heart to pray about, things hidden in the dark recesses of my spirit and mind. Ugly things. But Praise His Glorious Name that He shed His light on me!!! Dark is always afraid of light and when I finally was able to push fear away and draw a line in the sand, I was able to look at stuff "in the eye" and command it to leave in Jesus' Name. The Name that is above every other Name. The Name to which every knee shall bow and tongue confess that HE is LORD! Oh the power that surged through me during those times. I had this feeling like Jesus had just finally found me in an old abandoned room, tied up and gagged. He had been searching for me for so long and He finally found me. He was so excited. The enemy was being defeated and He was excitedly tearing off my chains and releasing me as I continued to call out his Name and speak against the powers of darkness. He could have just "poof" done it for me years ago, but then I would never have had this amazing experience WITH Him. Together, side by side, arm in arm, back to back, doing battle. Now, it's a daily experience. Daily I can tell what might try to set itself up against what Jesus has done in me. I bear His mark now. I am in HIS army. I am unafraid to battle against whatever may come...because of what's in me? NO WAY. Because of who He is IN me.

A lot happened during this time. I had some dreams that helped urge me on into further battle with a principality. Lily actually had some dreams that gave me insight into what was attacking us as a family. Sean and I prayed a lot. Sometimes together, sometimes alone, but always unified in the belief that God is mighty to save. We did some of the hardest praying in our lives. Some of it seeming very ugly and scary, but it was one of the most freeing times of our lives. We really started to understand what it meant in the Bible when it talked about being "pulled up out of the mire." It's a dirty process, but well worth the sweat and tears.

Me, my little dreamer and my free spirit

My sweet husband and prayer partner

This brings us almost up to present day. I will add more stones over the next few days if I remember something I left out. As we near the day we move, I am daily reminded what a wilderness experience this has been for us. I will leave you with this passage that Tom Blake spoke over me one of the first times I ever visited Kingdom Living. I never thought what he was saying would be possible...but God did.

Isaiah 12

Thanksgiving Expressed

¹ Then you will say on that day, “I will give thanks to You, O LORD; For although You were angry with me, Your anger is turned away, And You comfort me. ² “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation.” ³ Therefore you will joyously draw water From the springs of salvation. ⁴ And in that day you will say, “Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name. Make known His deeds among the peoples; ^[a]Make them remember that His name is exalted.” ⁵ Praise the LORD in song, for He has done ^[b]excellent things; Let this be known throughout the earth. ⁶ Cry aloud and shout for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, For great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.

Stones 27 through 47

When we left off, I was checking out of the hospital. However, there are a few things I forgot to mention that you might find interesting (I know I do).

First, the night I checked into the hospital I sat down and watched a movie in the "rec room". From start to finish I watched "Back to the Future". Don't know why, but it was funny to me. Second, when I had my last counseling session there they called Sean and brought him in for it. I didn't know they were going to do that. Gulp! Dr. Clemens told him that I was, "Very, very, very, very depressed." The odd thing about that was the whole time I was thinking, "I am? No, I'm not." Well, the Lord was using my light-bulb time there to show me that, with more introspection I would get to the root of the problem. Yes, there was some depression, but it grew out of a heart that was clouded over with secrets and pain. Once I decided to "go there", I would uproot that weed of depression. But that, my friends took much time.

I mentioned that I started seeing a Christian counselor. Her name is Dr. Susan Murray. She was one of the first people to whom I told everything. She has a warmth and a peace from God that just transcends many of my fears. She knows the Word inside and out. She never stops quoting it. She's the one that got me started liking the NASB for its word for word translation. She loved God's Word so much. Not only did she lead me, very gently, down some scary paths to healing, but she instilled in me a belief that His Word is living and active. I am eternally grateful for that. If anyone is ever in the Columbia, Missouri area and needs to find someone to talk to, please, look her up. Morningstar Counseling is the name of her group.

The other person I was set up with was Dr. Tom Breidenstein. This guy is so cool. I was very leery of psychiatrists, but after meeting him and talking with him and seeing his love for the Lord and for mental health, I was a fan. It's amazing too, that when you find someone that believes in God, believes in you and believes that God has amazing plans for you, the whole idea of managing mental health becomes easier. See, he DID medicate me, but only for a while. He made sure that as I was making progress in counseling, he was managing my need for these meds. He even told me one day, "You aren't going to need these forever. God is going to do an amazing work in you. Just watch." What!? Wasn't that totally opposite from what a psychiatrist was supposed to do? Aren't I supposed to bounce around from pill to pill and be completely dependent upon what the Dr. tells me? Wow. And he was right. Eventually, I was able to get off my meds altogether. He even said, and it makes me laugh even now, "Well, if you ever feel stressed then you know that God is trying to tell you something...or the enemy is trying to lie to you, and if you can't figure it out right away, well, take some St. John's Wort and start praying, but don't call me. You don't need me." I love that guy. Wonderful man of God.

But before I was totally off of my medication I had a very important experience to share. The psychologist I saw, Susan, is head of a group that meets about 4 times a year in order to help those who are hurting. They share the gospel, but mostly they help people who already know the Lord to get a deeper and more profound relationship with Him. To sum it up, they make that "big thumb in the sky" become the loving Father and Creator that He truly is. And, they show you that you aren't a mistake. That was huge for me. This group is called Grace Encounter. I initially didn't want to go. A friend took me to one of the graduation ceremonies and I was so nauseated by the whole experience (literally, I went to the bathroom and vomited) that I was sure I wasn't ever going. These people freaked me out. They were dancing around and laughing and playing games. They were dancing to the hokey pokey and the chicken dance and being all silly and...didn't they know they looked ridiculous?? It also sparked something in me that I just couldn't articulate back then. I wanted to play. I LONGED to play. I never felt safe enough to play like that. I was always scared or embarrassed or thought I'd look silly. I had no idea how to get from point ME to point FREE. How on Earth would I ever be that free?

Well, I signed up. I drank the kool-aid I guess you could say. HA! And let me tell you, it was the hardest, tearful, most wonderful, love-filled, Jesus-centered experience that I had ever had up to that point. I look back and am so grateful for that experience. To the 18 people in my group, my roommate, my small group, my leaders, thank you. I came alive finally, and I felt like I had knocked a wall down. I was never the same after that. I could PLAY! It was at that place that I first took the DISC test and found out that I am an I/C. Play, it turned out, was my middle name!! Now, I already knew about the C part of me - that was clear all through school - and I knew that my extroversion was a big part of me, but not THIS big. Wow. I clearly broke through a demonic stronghold during that time.

My contract from there reads like this, "By the grace of God, I am a strong, passionate and soft woman of God, whose beautiful ship is steered by God Himself." The other part says that I am "bold, secure and wanted". Amen. I believe it.

After going through this, I started going to an abuse support group. The ladies were so sweet. They were all around my age and loved the Lord deeply. This group lasted for a few years. We read through this book a few times and I have to say, it's one of the best of its kind. Highly recommend it, but it's not for the fainthearted. I threw mine across the room a few times before getting through it.

This book challenged me so much. This guy himself has a testimony of abuse and has so victoriously lived through it, that it was hard to discredit him. I tried. ;) My counselor was the same way. She had lived through abuse for over 15 years. She actually was able to lead her father to the Lord on his deathbed. Talk about redemption! I still had a LOT to learn. I had done a lot of leg work in order to really seek out my restoration and healing. I had really fought hard for my heart during those seminars. I had really sought His face since that horrible day in my room with all those pills. Now, it was His turn. He saw me there, in my pain, and just like it says in Psalm 18,

¹⁶ He sent from on high, He took me;

He drew me out of many waters. ¹⁷ He delivered me from my strong enemy, And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. ¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the LORD was my stay. ¹⁹ He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

It was after the pills, the seminar, the group therapy, the counseling sessions, Sean losing his job, me going back to work, Sean finally getting another job 8 months later, getting pregnant with our second child, and moving into this new house that something very big happened.

I was still in pain.

What the HECK!? Didn't I just do all this stuff to get better? I mean, I was in no way suicidal or depressed, but I was still fighting to live a normal life each day. I was fighting nightmares. I was still fighting anger. I was fighting self worth. So, what was it going to take?

It took a brother.

Sam looked at me one day while at our folk's house and said, "Carlye, you don't have to live like this anymore."

I looked at him through my tears and asked him to show me how that was possible.

Oh man, I had no idea what I was going to be getting into next...

Stones 22 through 26

So now I delve into an area inside myself that seems so far removed, so foreign now. However, the experience was very real and is still very much a part of my testimony. What happened to me next catapulted me into a lot of healing. It was one of the first good choices I made for myself, or I should say that Sean and I made together. He was very supportive.

I was on a lot of medication. Something for anxiety, something for depression and something to help me sleep. I was a walking medicine cabinet. My dosages weren't extremely high but they were enough to make me numb. That's what I was going for. Feeling things was causing problems, or so I thought. Turns out that feeling things is what, when done carefully and prayerfully, can help heal a broken heart. But I wanted to silence mine. It worked...for a while.

Something strange started happening while I was on these drugs. They stopped working. One could say that God was at work, His healing hand taking away the numbness that I was seeking. But more medically speaking, this happens a lot. A LOT. People go on things that they think they need and all of a sudden the medicine stops working. So, they up the dosage. And so on it goes until they max out one drug and try another. It's a mess. Now, I'm not here to say that meds don't help a lot of people. Back then there were times when the anxiety medication actually helped me start talking in my counseling sessions. Otherwise my heart would just burst and I would have a panic attack. Yes, this was all spiritual in nature, but God used certain things at certain times to help me get by. But at this point, I think He was saying "Enough". I started literally getting worse. I was still taking the medication but you would think that I had stopped. My crying was worse, my hopelessness was worse, my anger was spilling over into every other area of life. I had very few "good days". Praise the Lord that He brought me to this. The numbness wasn't worth what He had in store for me.

Sean and I were having another day with me barely able to think rational thoughts, and I decided to take all my pills and "go away". I still don't think I really wanted to die, but I was close. I locked myself in our bedroom and got them all out on the bed. Sean sensed something was wrong and broke the door in. He saw what I was doing and got very angry. He said that I needed to check myself in to a hospital and get some real help. After a yelling match I realized that he was right...what was I doing? I had to give it a real shot before letting go of all I cared about. So, I checked into St. Mary's Health Center here in Jefferson City.

I very clearly remember the drive to the hospital. I remember the triage room and the questionnaire I had to fill out. I knew that if I wanted to me admitted then I had to be honest and check the boxed marked "suicidal". So sad. So true. So, I did. I remember the triage nurse, oddly, was a guy in all white with longer dark hair and a beard and bright green eyes. He was thin and wore, to my cynical amusement, a white leather fanny pack. He started talking to me about his faith in God. He told me that when he was my age that he checked himself in as well. He said that it would really help me and to not forget to pray. Wow. I still tear up when thinking about him. Next, I saw the ER doctor. His name was/is Dr. Samuel Simms. I remember him very clearly because he was a quadriplegic. He had been in a horrible car accident, but had managed to maintain his career in motorized wheelchair with the help of his nurses and a beautiful golden retriever. He was the happiest man I ever met. It made me feel so small to see such happiness in the midst of so much pain. I wanted that. He told me that I could get that same happiness for the pain I felt inside.

Humbled, I was checked in. They took all my dangerous belongings away from me. No hair ties, no belt, no shoelaces. That was a strange experience. I realized that they saw me as a serious danger to myself. I think the doctor knew otherwise, but he also saw in me a deep need for help. I am so grateful for them.

Upon my arrival to 4North, aka the psych ward, I was flabbergasted at what I saw. People were truly in pain. People had done things to themselves and others that I can't even describe. I was assigned to a room with two roommates. One was on her way to jail for homicide and the other had burned herself. The girl in the room next to us was strapped to her bed and detoxing off heroin. WAKE UP CALL, to say the least.

My nurses there were Christians, as I soon found out, and my counselors were both very wonderful men. The occupational therapist especially. Danny was his name. A total free spirit. He really showed me what it looked like when you could wear a smile every moment of the day. I loved going to his sessions. He liked me and didn't judge me. I was surrounded by these beautiful, hurting people and these true optimists and I knew the Lord was giving me insights that I wouldn't understand until years later. I am so grateful for my time there.

My folks called me on the phone while I was there, as did Sean. They encouraged me and knew that I was doing the right thing. That felt really good to have their support. I knew when I left that I had more tools, more perspective, new pills (sadly), but I was now hooked up with a Christian counselor and a Christian Psychiatrist to help me along the way. I have to say, without them, I wouldn't be here today, healthy, happy and free of meds. I have a lot to say about them, but that's for next time.

Thank you so much for letting me share that. It's so healing, even now.

Coming soon...and a little reworking

I am not yet finished with my stones, obviously. I have been out of commission for a short while, but I am just about ready to start my monument again. However, during the last few weeks I have seen a flaw in my plan. I know that I have explained a lot of the past in a melancholy light, wishing much of it was different, but I don't think that's His will for me. No. It's just not. Instead, I feel Him pressing me to praise. It truly dismantles the enemy. See, the enemy still wants me attached to my past in a very unhealthy, guilty way. I push that away so often. So, now I think there's a new level to my monument. Praise. Giving thanks. Not just for "how it turned out" but for what it is...for who He is and was during that time. It makes me me. It shows who He is. And hopefully, it brings Him praise and glory and honor.

So, without further ado, and before I continue...

Thank you, GOD. Thank you for all the pain. Thank you for the sadness and the lessons. Thank you for my illnesses and shortcomings. Thank you for the sleepless nights and the foggy days I experienced. Thank you for your goodness. Thank you for my children and my husband. Thank you for my wounds and now scars. Thank you that every minuscule moment of my life You have been warring for me. Thank you for the battle. Thank you for the weapons you have imparted to me and shown me how to use. Thank you for the tears, even though they were many. Thank you for the softness you created in me. Thank you for all the anger and mistrust. Thank you for the opportunity to live in the shadows. I now appreciate the light so much more.

Thank you, Heavenly Father. You have been good. You do all things well. Just look at my life! May it bring you glory. May your Kingdom come!

Stones 13 through 21

Okay, so when we left off last time I was in a foggy place. I didn't know this about myself back then, but I was hungry for interaction with people. I didn't have any neighbors at our place. We had folks that lived in two of the other three apartments but they were either busy all day or not there most of the time. Jefferson City houses a lot of folks that work only when the state government is in session, so a lot of the time apartments, although being paid for, are not occupied for most of the year. And on my block, a lot of the old beautiful houses had been turned into offices for attorneys and salons and funeral homes. Directly across the street from me was this lovely image (it was empty, thank the Lord), and it really summarized how I felt every day looking out the window of my bedroom. I was in a prison in my head:

Lily was now 4 months old. It was December and the holidays were hard for me - and for all of my family watching me. I was on and off my medication and was either angry or in tears most of the time. I loved the Lord so much. I was dedicated to being part of His family and I wanted freedom. SO much. I dearly loved my family and I know they knew it...it was just hard to see at times. We needed a change. We didn't really know why, but we stumbled upon a nice little duplex in a part of Jefferson City that was truly homey. I knew it was going to help me to get out of the dead part of town. So, in January of 2006 we moved here:

Can I just quickly say what a cute little bundle of love that baby girl is!?

So moving to Boonville Rd. wasn't a "fix", but it sure felt like coming out of the dark ages. I had neighbors! We truly enjoyed this place, and ended up living here for 3 and a half years. This house saw its fair share of troubles but it also had it's own fair share of beauty, and it was a big stepping stone to getting me out of my rut. On the left, in the white house there was Dallas and his huge dogs. Dallas was super nice, but very reclusive. Under us (we had the top half of the house) was Suzy. She was a struggling new divorcee and we talked and visited a LOT. She and I didn't always see eye to eye, and I'm sure she put up with a lot of noise from upstairs, but she was sweet and she loved us. I miss her sometimes. On the right were Paul and Janet. They go to the church we are attending now and are awesome Godly folk. Sean and I adore them. They were like a lifeline for us many times. Across the street was a great family with 5 girls who just loved Lily and I to pieces. She was a Godly woman that made me want to be a better person. I wish I had pictures of these people - makes me sad that I don't - but I still want to put a stone up for each one. They were each my neighbors, and little did I know that God would soon be showing me just how important people are to my specific role in Kingdom building. I LOVE people. This was the doorway to that revelation.

And then there was the sidewalk. I had a strong relationship with that one. She and I spent many hours together. Lily LOVED going for walks and we did almost every day, even in the rain sometimes. We loved the beautiful big homes on our street, the lovely neighbors and most of all the view at the end of our walk. This is the Missouri River:

This place didn't fix me nor did it slow down my spiral downwards, but in some small way it gave us a normalness that we needed. It gave Lily and I sunshine and friends and we were thankful for them. We saw a lot of "stuff" in this house. I will write about all that soon. But for now we will stay here as my monument begins to take shape, because right around the corner are a bunch of wonderful, hard things that need slow and special attention in my heart.

Thanks for visiting my monument today!

Stones 7 through 12

Ahhh. What a nice peaceful place we've been in. Lily's birth was great. She was very vocal (and everyone snickered whenever I was surprised...hmmm...wonder why?) and very serious when she was teeny. She smiled along with the other babies as she grew, but she was, since birth, one of those "thinkers". I liked that about her very much, still do, but at other times (like when her Mommy wasn't doing so well) it was unnerving. It was like she was really looking at me. Hang out with Lily for a little while and you'll know what I mean. The girl can sum you up pretty fast.

So, sadly, after Lily was born and we had that nice week (or was it 2?) of just hanging out and barely getting out of our jammies, Hurricane Katrina hit the coast of Louisiana. Sean thankfully didn't have to leave the state, but at that time he worked in the Emergency Operations Center at the National Guard Headquarters here in MO. and he was gone...a LOT. In fact, he worked such long hours that for a month he came home only to sleep. 12 and 15 hour days was our new normal. With hardly a friend and church without folks my age, I was beginning to lose it.

That wasn't the only part though. Lily wasn't eating enough. Looking back I think my own postpartum depression, Sean being gone, and watching clips and seeing pictures of the effects of the hurricane contributed GREATLY to my lack of food production for her. I sat, staring at the walls, crying and crying. She cried because she was hungry and sleepy and because I was crying too. It was a very hard time. My Mom came a few times just to try to encourage her to sleep (and me too) at night. We took turns being up with her. Having my Mom there was so helpful. Sean was so busy and wanted desperately to help, but if he didn't sleep at night, then the soldiers helping on the coast would have suffered too. It was a visit from my Dad that began to change a few things for me. He saw her crying, he saw me crying and he urged me to listen to the doctors and to my husband. WHAT?! Feed her formula? Ugh. Anything but that. I fought it, but I was fighting too many of my own demons of depression, anxiety, abandonment, selfishness, abuse...I finally saw the reality of the situation: feed her and then we can both sleep. So, I did it. I cried as I fed her her first bottle. I was a failure, I knew for sure. I had read so many books! I had the perfect delivery! I was going to puree everything for her from organic ingredients! How did this happen? Oh, did I mention my issue with control? ;)

This peanut needed a doughnut.

So, after a full night's sleep (yeah, it was an immediate change) I realized that I was not in control of all the little details of life. I also realized that I needed help. I wish I would have had more resources back then, but I did what I could. I was put on different medications, trying to find one with the right fit for me. No one could really put their finger on what was going on with me - doctors had opinions, friends and family had theirs, and then there was my own. I felt so stuck. I LOVED my baby girl more than life itself! But I wasn't the mom I wanted to be. I was detached and medicated and...well...stuck. I have fought a big fight over the guilt I have felt from this two and a half year period of her life. I don't have to live with it anymore and I know I'm forgiven and that she is an amazing child because of the grace of God. And since then, many many wonderful things have happened that have changed and brought light to these years of our life together. I will always look at her as the child that brought His Hand into my life. If she had never come into this world, I would have kept living my life for me, in pain and in denial. Forgive me if I sound self loathing. I don't mean to, but I guess writing about it makes it feel so fresh.

I will end now.

I need to go hug my sweet girl.

Stones 3 through 6

As I was saying...

Lilian was on her way! Yay! She gave me the most wonderful pregnancy. Food tasted SO good - all my senses were heightened. Sean and I were both VERY excited. He knew immediately it was going to be a girl, but in my heart I was having trouble with this idea. Logically, I knew that all I wanted was for my baby to have 10 fingers and 10 toes and be healthy - who cared about gender necessarily? I really didn't...but I did. Girls, to me, symbolized something in myself that I was not yet ready to deal with. Vulnerability. But, I was no less excited as the date drew closer and we found out for sure she was a "she" and not a "he". I just pushed my fears out of my mind and bought little girl things by the dozens.

Here I am, a month and a half away from her due date. One word: Swollen!

And then...

She came...

On August 22, 2005 at 1:05am Lilian Faith Cochran was born. She was 7lbs 10oz and 21in. long. I went into labor at around 6:30pm, got to St. Mary's Hospital at 9:30pm, started heavy labor at 10:30pm and she was born, without the help of any meds, at 5 after 1am. It was glorious. It went perfectly. I couldn't have asked for a better little butter bean! Sean was laughing SO much when he saw her. It was just the two of us (no one could make it till later that morning) and we just oohed and ahhed over her for the rest of the night. She was a little coconut. We kept my old nickname and used it for her since she and I shared the dark hair and olive complexion: Poepus. Our little poepus. You'll have to ask my folks how that was made up, but it just fit me...and her.

Staring in wonder at each other.

My little day sleeper/night owl!

SO CUTE!

I deeply don't want to turn this precious time in our lives into something bittersweet, but I have to keep going... But instead of jumping right into my past pain and confusion, I will stay here a moment and relish in the fact that my baby girl was born... and it was a beautiful day.

Stay tuned...

I'm feeling it. I always do.

There's something about being me that I used to not appreciate at all. I still struggle to see my Creator's plan in me sometimes, but at least I know I was made how I was made for a reason. A purpose. There is a plan for me and for the heart that I have on my sleeve. It's true. For those of you who know me well, this is no shocker. For those of you who know me less well...give it time...you'll see. I put myself out there like an infantryman on the front lines in most cases. But instead of getting hurt all the time or cringing at my own vulnerability, I now see there is a plan. Even if I don't know it yet.

As I walk through my city right now, my heart (which is on my sleeve) is beating fast and hard. It's excited and sad and holding it's breath a little. I am looking around at my home and my family and my friends and I am seeing how much this city has meant to me - to all of our little family. I have decided to start a journey of taking pictures of the places and things and people that mean so much to me here. It's like what Joshua did with the Israelites when he had one man from each tribe get a stone to make an altar. It was to remind their children, generations later, what the Lord had done at the Jordan River. So, these photos will be my stones. I will pile them up and lay them at my Creator's feet. They will be a testament to my children and grandchildren. I will document all that has been joyful and painful for me in my 7 years here. Although rather than label things bad or good, I will just list them. Some things may seem overtly bad or overtly good, but that's really not for me (or you) to decide. They are just stones. They are parts of me and my family and no matter how ugly or beautiful they seem, they are His, and He is in charge of our future. I know that future is for good and not for evil, to give us a future and a hope.

So, feel free to journey along with me as I say goodbye to Jefferson City. It has been my wilderness experience in so many ways. You will laugh and cry, and then you will know the heart on my sleeve and why it's there just a little bit better.

Alright friends, let's start. We moved here in October of 2004 after a year and a few months of marriage. We had no idea what we were doing..

This is the view from our first apartment at 202 Lafayette.

This is Capitol Avenue and just between the trees is the Capital building.

We enjoyed walking into downtown from our place.

This was our first place. We had half of the top floor,

which included that big screened in porch.

Sean moved to Jefferson City before I did, and took a chance on a job.

We moved in together after 3 months apart to see if the job would really pan out.

I had just finished college.

Sean had a great paying job, but worked 4-midnight mostly.

We knew nobody.

We had only each other and a cat, whose picture I will not include

because she was just plain mean.

I remember both loving this place and feeling so so lonely.

There was much strain in the marriage back then, and

very little leaving and cleaving had been done before we left KC.

And our lives were about to change forever with little Lilian on the way only one month after moving here...

More to come soon...

Kansas City here we come!

Because I don't have all your numbers and yet I want you to share in our joy...

Sean got the job in KC and we are putting our house on the market asap! We really are moving and we are stunned at the blessings that the Creator of the Universe has chosen to bestow on our little family. We are overjoyed and can't wait to hang with you all on a regular basis!!

Woohoo!! I love you all very much!!

Blogger break-up

I am frustrated. My wireless Internet and my iPad are not jiving with my picture posting desires. This stinks. So, I am now "shopping" for another blog site that "plays well" with my iPad. I will keep you all updated and will post a link to my new location.

Aaaand...We're back!

I've missed you guys! It feels good to stretch the atrophied blogging muscle again. Good to be back in the interwebs. I don't have much time to post right now, but I will leave you with a few photos of the girls at our local nature center (those are black crappie, small mouth bass, and catfish for you non-fishing types...) and let you know that I will be updating regularly with photos. Phew, finally.

Yes, Mirah was having a good time...but was much more interested in laying on the fake log than complying with my request to "say cheese".

The fish, the water...and Lily...

Still here...sorta

Hello lovely readers. We are still around and thinking and praying for all of you. I use my tiny amount of internet time to read your blogs rather than post on mine, so just know I'm here and love you all. I will be back on board soon. Well...soon-ISH.