My sweet family

Some of my favorite people visited me today. Mom, Dad, Sam, Cass...you all are already terribly missed by all of us. Sometimes I don't know why we are doing life in different cities. I don't claim to know all that He has planned for us, but I am trusting that it is good...for He is good. If I don't believe that then I start to get all teary-eyed all over again and just ache to have all my favorite people in one place.

I love you, brother. I love you, sister. I love you, Mom and Dad.

Give Him honor and praise this week. He's done far more than we could ever ask. I praise Him for giving us each a future and hope...no matter where that may be.

*snif*

Revelation Song

I have been listening to Revelation Song lately. I love it when I hear it at church or when my brother plays it at his church. Normally, the first impact of a song that powerful hits your soul and then like water, it ripples out. The repeated effect, although still amazing, isn't like the first time you heard it. This song is different. I don't care who is playing it. I don't care if I'm listening in my back room at my house or if I'm at church surrounded by others...the affect is always the same...

Tears, weeping...I feel like I can't get my hands high enough or my face close enough to the ground. I feel Him and I know we are together. I know the words I'm saying I will say forever in eternity, and that's all I want to do when I hear that song. I just want to be in His presence forever worshiping. Some people can't imagine singing to Him forever and not wanting to do other things. I can't think of anything I'd rather do. It's gut wrenching. It's heartbreaking. It's divine. It's the best, the most my heart can give and I hate stopping. I hate the song ending. I don't understand why we end it anyway. My heart rings with eternity and I can't bear walking away.

Yes, doing the day to day things IS praising Him. I get that. I know my children, husband, housework, chores, cooking, etc. are worshipful. I do these things as unto Him. Gladly! But to sit at His feet all day?? Oh I can't wait!

I want to take this love in my heart and turn around and show all my lukewarm friends. All my sweet, burnt-out, trying-to-do-life-alone friends and give them this gift. But can they see it? I know they know the song, I know they know Him, but it's like Esther in One Night with the King. She tries to show them the stars in her necklace - her past, her present and her future. But do they see?

I feel like we have this gift from Him on a silver platter. It's gourmet. Our mouths have never tasted anything this delicious. And we want to share it. We offer it to those we think will appreciate it. We want to share it with the world...but sadly, they are so full of junk food that they don't even appreciate this delicacy.

It's time for a purging. Deep in our bellies. It's time to eat from His hand. To drink from His fountain. To befriend Wisdom.

How do you share this? I have an appetite only for Him, but how does one share hunger to the full?

Oh come, Lrd! Show yourself to these, your people!!

Just a little revelation

There are a few things that I have found very special in my quiet time lately, and I thought I'd share them.

One, I have been reading in John a lot lately. I read John 15 today (a few times) and was struck with such beauty. Jesus' love for his disciples, for us, is unparalleled. He first practically begs us, entreats us, urges us to never depart from His love and his "vine". He says that, although we may try, we can never do anything apart from Him. He talks about bearing fruit. It's what we're created for. He tells us that we can ask anything from Him related to growing His Kingdom and His glory and it will be given to us. Did you hear that? ANYTHING! We have unlimited building funds! We can set out completely not worried about the how's or if's of Kingdom building. He will do it. He just needs us to never leave His side. Amazing stuff. The whole rest of the chapter is amazing as well and it's very important to read it to understand the how's of furthering His Kingdom, and what will happen in the process. But after I read this chapter I went on to reading Ephesians 5 and 6, like I do each morning, arming myself with the weaponry He provides to me each day. And it struck me. Here in Ephesians, in the Complete Jewish Bible, it says clearly in verse 10, "Finally, grow powerful in union with the Lord, in union with His mighty strength!" So, abiding in Him, like He told His disciples and us to do in John 15, is fundamental and required if we are to use the weapons that He offers us to use. That is the first weapon - unity! Abiding, staying, resting, and never leaving His presence, His vine and His Word. This may seem small to some of you, but to me, it was the refreshment I needed this Monday morning. Everything we need is in His Word. It's living and active...and as you know, one of the weapons. It's all connected folks, it's all there. I have enjoyed this today - I hope you did too.

Oh by the way, as I am reading Rick Joyner's book The Final Quest, I am seeing another parallel to this theme of abiding. If you haven't picked it up, I highly recommend it. I don't know much about Joyner's other books, but this one is definitely not one to miss.

Kindergarten

Home-schooling is HARD! I have taught in a regular classroom. I have had gobs of students with disciplinary problems. I have had children with exceptionalities mainstreamed in my class. I have had students that did not speak English. But this, oh boy, this takes the cake. And frankly, I'm not sure why, but teaching to one child - your OWN child - is the biggest teaching challenge I've had. With the other students it was art, so they filed in, did the work and filed back out of the classroom. Phew! It didn't matter if blue paint got everywhere...the class ended at some point. The blue paint would be cleaned and it would be quiet again. With Lily I get to hear some reluctance like, "Can we just swing all day?" I get to hear, "Why? Huh? Who? How?" And there's always the 14th bathroom break. But it's so rewarding too. She truly loves learning at home. She brings me her books each morning so we can do Bible story and verses. She asks me to read another chapter so that she can know what happens to Peg and Maddie in "The Hundred Dresses". She gets the biggest kick out of our science experiments. She really loves the scientific, hands-on approach to life. So, I guess what I am saying is that it's hard and I love it. I know what she is learning is solid, good and challenging for her. I know that she's growing in the Lord each day as we listen (currently) to Moses telling the Israelites how to build the Tabernacle. (With a very confused face yesterday she asked me why Aaron would let the Israelites build a "gold baby cow with earrings?!" Too cute! We had a long discussion after that.) I know that it's all worth it. Even if my house doesn't get cleaned every day and if you came over unannounced you might gasp at the condition of our "home-school" house, where we learn all day, but we might not get to the dust bunnies.

How could you possibly not want to home-school this beauty? Especially when she has drawn such a lovely picture of her Mama!

This is a song by Sara Groves called "Like a Lake". I feel like posting it because it makes me think of all of those enduring sadness and pain right now, who are fighting to keep their hearts open. It also makes me think of those of us who are finally opening up after years of being "tight in a bud" refusing to bloom for fear of pain. So, for all who have ever hurt (and that is all of us): may these words inspire you to stay open to God and to His mighty love for you.

Like A Lake

so much hurt and preservation

like a tendril round my soul

so much painful information

no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge

looking in at God's own heart

I've no idea where to begin

to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in

closing in around this pain

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder

bring the rain till I am tried

when it's over bring me stillness

let my face reflect the sky

and all the grace and all the wonder

of a peace that I can't fake

wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I am fighting to stay open

I am fighting to stay open

open open oh wide open

open like a lake

The Man in Black

We had a visit from our favorite "man in black" yesterday. He rode in on his motorcycle and stayed through lunch and naptime. It was so nice to see him and now the girls won't stop talking about his bike. Mirah keeps asking about his hands.

"Hans? Hans?" she will ask.

"Yes, Papaw had gloves," I say.

"He Head?" she asks.

"Yes, he has a helmet on his head," I answer.

We do this about 45 times and then she finally seems satisfied.

Lily had the big girl opportunity to have Papaw all to herself because little sister naps. So, she and Papaw decided to share a few books.

Then, as it neared time for Papaw to ride his hog home, he decided to catch a few z's with Lily's enormous bear, Pearly.

This caused Lily, who loves to share, to be a bit confused as to what to do. She loves Papaw dearly, and she wanted him to enjoy Pearly, but she was also perplexed as to how to function without her "big assistant" as she calls the bear.

But no worries, Lily knows that it's people before things, and that there is enough Pearly for everyone, so she quickly snuggled up to me until it was time for Papaw to wake up and hit the road.

We miss you already, Papaw. Thanks for coming to visit us! We love you!

It's time for some pictures!

There has been a lot to talk about lately, and that's all fine and dandy, but it's time to update you on the kiddos.

We have been doing a whole lot of fishing lately. We have been using ultralights and spinning reels, which is a slight departure for me. I am used to sitting there with a worm on my hook, fishing at the bottom of the pond. But, this is fun too! Sean and I have really enjoyed it and the kids have as well. Here are some pics from our outing today. We went to a pond out where Sean works (the Missouri National Guard Headquarters). It was pretty nice. There are TONS of wonderful fishing spots just minutes from our home. This was just a nice place to fish without any interruption, so we took advantage of our military status and used the pond. And as you will see, we made some memories.

These are the girls in the car waiting for Sean and I.

Silly gooses!

Lily found some treasure in Daddy's backseat.

Here's the new car. I call her "the redhead" because we already have a brownie and a blondie in the family, so it just made sense.

This is the "fish" we caught when we first arrived. We caught bigger ones, but honestly, not much bigger.

This is the pond on the property where Sean works. That's one of the buildings he works in up on the hill. There are many buildings and another pond, too. It's a huge place.

So, all was peaceful and quiet for the most part until Mirah decided to mix things up a bit. She's no fearful Minnow and so she decided that she might try her luck at actually being the bait. She went in so fast we couldn't catch her. She did NOT like it.

Sorry about the exposure here. Not sure why it's over exposed, but oh well. This is Mirah and I after I fished her out of the pond. She is crying pretty hard here, but I think mostly she just didn't like the surprise of it all. I bet, now that she knows what happens, that she will try this again. She recovered in lightening speed.

As you can see here, she's dry and happy again as she watches the Amtrak train from the truck window. The girl LOVES trains.

So, that was our adventure today! Pretty nice Columbus Day if you ask me! Hope everyone had a nice one too.

A beautiful song

I have heard this only a few times, but Sean played this early this morning and I had an encounter with Jesus. It's so beautiful. It's called "Come Thou Long Expected Jesus" by Charles Wesley.

Come Thou long expected Jesus,Born to set thy people free;From our sins and fears release us,Let us find our rest in Thee.Israel's strength and consolation,Hope of all the earth Thou art,Dear desire of every nation,Joy of every longing heart.
Born Thy people to deliver,Born a child yet a king,Born to reign in us forever,Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.By Thine own eternal spiritRule in all our hearts alone;By Thine all sufficient merit,Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

Continuing the Journey

Okay, you know how God is a jealous God, right? Right. He is, in case you shrugged just now. He really really is. And He likes to take every little thing in the lives of His children (if they will let Him, if they are willing) and use it to bring honor and glory to His name. I have been deeply challenged in the area of entertainment, like I mentioned in my last few posts. God wanted our family to really cleanse from the inside out. We are a no TV family. We don't do most movies. We listen to music that either honors God or is made by folks who love Him. We have artwork in our home that is edifying and lovely to remind us of His beauty and His creation. We wear clothes that flatter, but that are appropriate for establishing good character and a worshipful spirit. We read books and own books that we would want others to read. Books that bring honor to God either directly or through nature, science, art, etc. You may be thinking, "Wow. That sounds like NO fun at all." I used to think that way. In fact, there are times when my flesh gets chatty and starts to think that just giving in a little wouldn't hurt a thing...right? But it does matter. And this life is fun! It's fun to realize that I may seem totally strange and weird to you, but to my Maker and my Deliverer I am an obedient and truth-seeking woman who won't back down from her beliefs.

But...I found a disconnect. I found an area in which I had become fairly lackadaisical. Now, when I say that I don't mean I totally flaked and never cared, but the area of food has come into my line of vision. Another area for sanctifying? Huh? Really, God? (I did sigh at this, because I felt I'd already given up a lot...silly me.) So, I looked at my food. Mostly, we eat well. We eat well rounded meals that I would serve to any health conscious person. But, we aren't really trying to be super healthy. We don't watch portions or exercise the way we should. We aren't modeling that for our kids, to be honest. I really struggle with food. I love to eat and I have a serious sweet tooth. I never used to have to worry about weight or how clothes fit until after I had kids. Now, it's becoming more evident that I am a garbage can for whatever I'm eating. I don't really think I even taste it - it makes me feel better when I eat. It's medicinal, not nutritional. It's for feeling good, not growing stronger and appreciating the blessings. So, folks. I am thinking of making a 180 degree turn in my life. I am thinking this just isn't working for me anymore. I feel tired a lot. I feel lackluster. My hair and nails are clearly not growing fast and I don't drink enough water. My changes, in the areas that God has previously shined his light on, have been good, but hard. This one may take the cake...HA! Pun wasn't intended, but cake will definitely not be on the menu for a while.

And here's the deal. I love to cook. I love to bake. I'm not looking at a future deprived of food. I'm not looking at making low calorie foods or foods that have "replacements" in them that are artificial or streamlined commercially. I am wanting to go organic. I want to buy meat and veggies and fruits fresh and from the butcher. I know this may cost more, but I will have more money left over after I quit buying "snackie foods" that do nothing and hold no nutritional value. I want the kids to have good granola bars, don't get me wrong! But we need to say bye bye to packaged, high fructose corn syrup-filled, dye-laden treats. All they do is clog up our systems and teach our children that crud like that is what is good and yummy.

I know that this is a huge change. Frankly, I'm not sure what I can do to change the picky eaters in my family. Sean is no longer very picky. He doesn't like all the things I like, but he's getting there. And let's face it, not everyone likes ALL food the way I do. I never met a veggie I didn't like prepared at least two ways. But it's time to go natural. More fresh, more home-grown. Less packaged. Less convenient. I know this will be hard. I haven't made any actual changes yet...this is me talking about it. I am going to commit to continue on this journey though. I want to fill the void in me that food has filled for so long with The Holy Spirit. I want to taste my food again. I want to present my body as a temple before my Lord and King. My daughters need this as well. In this day and age, a girl can get so off track with her body and they need to see what truly matters.

Here is a quote from a book that I recently read by Dr. Dan Allender called To Be Told.

"My own failures in trying to lose weight serve as an apt illustration. I want to lose weight, but I've failed at it for more than a decade. I have lost and regained my excess weight enough times to have made at least five new people. I've failed to achieve my ideal body image. Why? Because I value something more deeply than I do my ideal body image. I value the image of a man who is satisfied, full and at rest. I am more passionate about having a full stomach than I am about being thin. The proof of that is, of course, my behavior.

My passion - eating good food and being full - is fortified by the belief that I can't control my life or my suffering, but when I eat, I feel good. And I value feeling good more than looking good or being healthy. Therefore, dieting works well until something in life discourages me. Then I discard the diet and start eating.

So we always choose what we value most, even when our choice does us harm. We won't change our behavior until we first recognize what we value most deeply and then honestly face how our passions reinforce what we really believe. We can change our beliefs, but doing so won't alter our behavior until our beliefs transform our values. We can change what we do, but the changes won't last if our values and convictions are not transformed."

So, Allender's struggle is very similar to my own. I have used food for so long as an "upper" or a "downer". As something that my mind and emotions needed more than for healthy living and sustenance.

Okay, then. I am committed to pray about my food changes. I am willing to seek out help from a nutritionist or naturalist if need be. But, it's time to make changes. As my counselor told me years ago, "When behavior stops giving you a pay-off, you change it." I was getting a pay off, but now God has upped the ante.

Anyone want to join us? Anyone have a good detox plan?

(by the way, if anyone is wondering who Dan Allender is and why on earth I would be quoting him, here and here are more about him)

Good, but hard

Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

I am becoming a little weary lately. With all the things God is asking of me and my family, I feel tired. I know what He is doing is wonderful and lasting and good, because He is those things, but He's peeling away so many layers of us that I'm starting to cringe a little. He asks a lot. He wants it all. He is jealous for me, for Sean and for these lovely little girls. I want to give it all, but I'm apparently hanging on to some old ideals/ways a tad more tightly than I thought. What do you do when you find yourself stripped away, exposed and tired from all the sanctification? I don't want to give up, but everything I know is being tested and the refiner's fire is one very hot place to be.

Do we really need an edge?

The answer to that question is no. Well, in a worldly sense the answer is no, but in a heavenly sense we already have an edge...we know Him! But, I was so lost for so long thinking I needed some edge or some kind of freaky cool angst to get through this world without getting hurt. My edge was anger. I thought, and was led by the enemy to believe, that if I ever gave up my edge of anger then I would basically be laying down on the ground asking people to walk all over me. I wanted desperately to follow God, don't get me wrong, but I had no idea how to replace this anger with something else. I held onto it, feeling like if I let it go then I would be giving up my power source. And that's when I realized...my anger had become an idol. My power source should be nothing other than that same power that flows from the Cross. My power source should be every Word that comes from the Mouth of God. My power source should be nothing, and I mean NOTHING found in this world. If it is, then I have fashioned for myself something that I believe will "save" me. And that, friends, is something I've tried to make as big as God, the only one who saves. So, this morning as I was listening to that song that says, "I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord", I wondered to myself if I had truly traded my anger for trust, for joy, for shalom.
I have gone through some intense deliverance lately and a lot of it had anger at the root of it. Getting that out of my heart and my soul was like digging out the tap root that forms at the very deepest part of a tree. The one part that gets most of the nutrients - that's what had to be pulled out. I know that God has taken the place of that anger now, His Holy Spirit is daily filling me up, making sure that I am completely and wholly His in that area each day. But, there is a lot of temptation rolling my way. The enemy is apparently pretty ticked that he doesn't have my "edge" anymore. That was giving him a proverbial joystick in my heart by which he could maneuver me so easily. I refuse to back down and refuse to build my idol again.
I say no to my old edge and yes to the Lord. The pull to revert back can be so seductive and dark. He tries everything, pulling out all the stops. But I can't. I can't do that again. It aged me so much. It made me feel so old.
So, these days, as we draw closer to Halloween - a holiday that I used to like very much - the pull seems greater to scrap all the hard work I have done and all the work He has done and just do what's easy. As a family we don't celebrate Halloween and my daughter is getting a lot of flack for it - even in our homeschool community. People just don't know the depth of this holiday! It's frustrating. Could I just join back in and quit trying and appease the enemy and the masses? Sure. But by doing that I would be giving a teaparty to the one who wants to ruin my life. The ones that wants to ruin my children, my marriage, my heart, my home. It's a split second decision and I could have my edge back...but I choose the Lord. My edge is pitiful in comparison to the Lamb who sits on the Throne.
But it's so crazy how just an inch - just a tiny little "in" for the enemy can undo all that He has done.

Just another reminder

Sean showed this video to our family this morning. We were all in awe of, not only the planning and the actual experiment that took place, but the vastness of space. In some ways it's so small and in other ways it's so huge. It gave me serious chills. It makes me want to see God, but it also makes me have a healthy fear of His enormity and power. He. Is. Awesome. Enjoy the video, remember who made this place that we call home, and rejoice because we will be with Him someday. Praise His Holy Name!

Homemade Spacecraft from Luke Geissbuhler on Vimeo.