A lot on my mind

There's an analogy that likens our layers of healing with the layers of an onion. The more you peel the fresher and stronger you are. However, just like with an onion, there will be tears as the layers come off.

I am in a place where I am completely surrendering myself before the Lord. I used to hold on to ideas and false comforts so much more. Now, I feel my hands opening up and all the junk I was holding tightly onto just falls to the floor. Scary at first, but now I'm realizing that I can hold His hand much tighter now. But He's shown me that there will always be more layers. One is not very smart to think that He won't be calling us closer and closer to Him and asking us to lay down more and more to follow His ways. It's never ending.

So, now I find myself in a new community. My husband is overseas in a warzone. I have two small children. I am living with my parents. I started a new small group. Let me just say that a few layers have become extremely obvious when you have 1) moved, 2) transitioned into deployment mode, 3) are trying very hard to raise two little ones yourself, 4) and have put yourself out there hoping to make a deep, lasting connection in a community.

I feel vulnerable.

But God in His love for me didn't let me just stand there without His support. His arm is around me and my head is on His chest. I can feel Him becoming the true center of my life. My reliance on Him for peace, for joy, for my worth and my belonging have all grown so much in the last few weeks. He wants to be the center of my life.

I did some inner healing classes with Marie Lebow and really took away a lot of awesome tools to help other people. I hope to be able to walk others through this amazing experience someday. But first, God made sure I really knew the impact of inner healing as I was deeply touched and healed over the course of the class. Amazing and precious experiences.

Now, I'm doing a deliverance class and it seems He is having me draw even closer to Him here as well.

Even though the process of peeling back the layers has been potent and caused tears, I can stand and truthfully say that He fills all my needs with Himself. I have had no lack, no baggage, no issues, no problems too big that He can't take them and fill me up with Himself. I long for nothing more than to really know Him. It's like, with Sean gone, that I am able to let Him truly show me who He is. Not who He is through Sean. Not who I thought He was, but who He truly is...and has always been.

That's it. I can't stand it anymore.

This blog is ugly. No, don't even try to argue with me. (Although if you're a smart and aesthetic individual you are not arguing at all...just looking to the side to avoid eye contact with my hideous blog.)

So, here is how my mind works: if the blog I have is ugly, I don't want to look at it either. So, therefore I don't write any entries on said ugly blog. And this circular conflict is becoming a problem. I love to write. It helps my brain and it helps get things out of me that, if left inside and begin to spin, start to cause me oodles of frustration. It's so helpful for me to get things out and written down. I gain perspective and clarity. I laugh at myself. I cry, if needed. The only other thing that helps is art and I'm working on that, too. But again, the aesthetic is key here.

So, now I am seeking out a new look. I am also going to be asking for help in this area as any design on a computer is quite foreign to me. I simply don't have the time to figure out design/coding for my blog. (Did you see the phrase "no patience for that particular endeavor" in between those lines? Yeah, that's the real reason.)

The next time you read an entry on my blog you can rest assured that it will be more fresh and clean and colorful. That's my hope. Because honestly, would you read or write in a room that made your skin crawl with it's odd colors and strangely framed pictures? Nope. Nor would you write on a blog that did such things.

That's it. I'm off to find a friend to help me!!

So Many Goodbyes

I'm not exactly sure how many more goodbyes my heart can take right now. It's wonderful to see Sean so often, but also hard when our short hello's come to a close. I know God has a plan for this many goodbyes and wants to make good of all things, so I'm open to His sovereignty. It's just hard. And I know that's okay, so I'm not complaining. The big and final "see you in 11 months" is in less than two weeks....

I'm not so sure I'm ready for that one.

He's Amazing

It's starting to sink in. I'm starting to realize that there will be times that Daddy will be irreplaceable. I'm a great Mom...but I'm not a Dad. I'm not here to replace him. That's not a requirement - for me to fill his shoes. So, I will turn to my Dad, my Father-in Law, my brother, and my male friends to help fill in and bring a Godly male presence to our family. But let's face it, no one can be Sean. He's the best. The absolute best.

So, I will rely on my Heavenly Father to fulfill us when that absence is too strong. When no one can do it "just like Daddy" I will look to my sweet and patient Heavenly Father. He can not only fill his shoes, he ordains all of the steps that Daddy (and his ladies) take. I will do my best to rest in that promise.

I guess I should blog, huh?

The other night a sweet friend came over to get help with her computer (not from me, obviously) and as we talked it was brought up that I have a blog I haven't touched in a while. Hmm. I felt, at that moment, very justified in not blogging. I mean, hello? I am living at my parent's house. I'm just doing the daily thing of taking Lily to school, playing with Mirah, keeping our stuff picked up and coming up with a dinner plan. That's it. Nothing really impressive or awe-inspiring. But, as I realized today, my blog is about me and my family, so if what we are doing is a tad mundane, well then so be it. You can deal with my fluctuations in excitement, right?

I know many of you right now are going, "Hey, wait a sec! You have a LOT going on right now. There's a whole lot of new stuff on your horizon!" You would be right about that, but apparently it's not the best idea to blog about soldiers right now. I have been asked to keep things on the DL while you-know-who is you-know-where. It's just a smart rule of thumb on the interwebs. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to blog about it. It's what's filling my mind with chaos right now. It's what makes me blankly stare out the window with large, Windows Impact font question marks over my head.

Suffice it to say I'm feeling less droll, increasingly tired and a little overwhelmed. On the flip side, I know that our family can do this. We will do it. I have no idea what it looks like to succeed in this journey yet, but God will show us. We aren't worried about failure or giving-up. This is just one chapter among many other chapters for our family. It's just a harder one. Right now it feels a lot like walking through sand. I start out each day with "I can do this!" and then it ends up feeling difficult to lift them out as they sink in with each step. I guess I'll just have a very well defined prayer muscle as I lift my feet out of the sand each day to walk the walk He planned for us.